Really??????

So .... you hear a lot of politicians talk about mental health.

They don't do much to help  .... but they talk a lot about it.

And if you listen to them, you would think that all mentally ill people are bat-shit crazy loons, roaming the streets of America, trying to harm everyone else.

Well ..... this is mental illness in my world.

I suffer from severe clinical depression.  I spent years in therapy and on medication.  (I personally believe it should be a combination of both ... not merely drugs .... but what do I know??)

The last several years, I have been off medication and have felt wonderful!!!

I know my depression gets worse in the winter (SAD) but with good friends, a loving husband, and spending time in creative endeavors ..... I have done well without meds.

Until this year.

This winter has become a bit of struggle.

Remodeling is a total disruption of my surroundings. I reach for a pan and remember it is packed away.  I turn to grab a cup of coffee .... and realize the coffeemaker is in the laundry room.

Boxes filled with  flooring and electrical boxes and appliances litter my living room.

So I have worked doubly hard to keep the darkness of depression away. And on the whole, I have done well.

Until last week.

And suddenly, I am being confronted with another problem that I have never had, anxiety.

Yep.  Twice last week, I had anxiety attacks ..... panic attacks.

It first happened on Thursday as I was getting ready for class.

I was teaching an Introduction to Interior Design class.  This has been a difficult class for me to teach.  I know the subject inside and out.  I have the resources and the knowledge but I have had concerns that I am not reaching my students.  Getting them to participate and share has been difficult.  I have tried projects .... asked questions ... and I feel I am not exciting them.

As I was going through my notes and my Powerpoint, it started.

My heart races .... I get nervous and upset.

And I brushed it off ..... What in the heck was that????

I took a couple of deep breaths and I was off to class.

Until Saturday morning.

I was speaking at Nursery School at the I Wireless Center.  And as I double check my photos one more time, just one more time ................. my heart starts to race.

I know what is happening and I try to control my breathing.  But it is much worse than before.  Deep breath.  Deep breath.  Just keep breathing deeply.  You'll be okay.  You'll be okay.

I try to talk my way through the panic and fear.  I am totally frightened and scared.

It is beginning to make sense.

All winter .... I have wanted to stay home.  I want to stay in the space where I feel safe. I need to feel safe with the people around me.  People that don't judge ... people that love me.   And now, I am beginning to know why.

Another phase of mental illness is striking me.  And as someone that does a lot of public speaking .... Wow! Anxiety can be debilitating. 

Back to therapy ..... back to medication. 

The struggle never seems to end.